Pele, Moore and Maradona are just some of the greatest names to ever grace the pitch. But here at Tibs, we’re going to look at some of the truly, greatest ‘names’ in football – and what better way to do it than in our very own starting 11.
Between the posts, it’s none other than Norman Conquest. Australians are renowned for their laid back, and almost comical approach, to life but when Norman’s parents named him – they were definitely too laid back. Or drunk.
Right back, is Rod Fanni. French-born Fanni moved to Newcastle in 2007, and is said to be incredibly easy-going with his last name. But others may argue, there’s too much easy-going Fanni in Newcastle.
Joining him on the other side of the pitch at left back is Chiqui Arce. And what better partnership of full backs than Chiqui Arce and a Fanni, both with a wonderful understanding of balls.
At centre back is the great lump we all know and love, Danny Shittu. Having played in England for over ten years, the Nigerian must have by now heard every joke under the sun. But wouldn’t it be funny if David Villa played for Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny Shittu played for Arsenal.
Partnering Shittu at centre back, is Pissy. I’m joking of course! It’s Have-a-look Dube. Not much is known about Have-a-look, other than his nationality of Zimbabwe. I wonder what he wanted us to look at.
Running the channels at right midfield is Segar Bastard. Bastard was, believe it or not, English! But back in the late 19th century, when Bastard was at his peak, the word literally meant ‘a person born with parents not married to each other’. Unlike the common meaning, of ‘someone we don’t like very much’.
At left midfield is Brian Pinas. First Newcastle had Fanni, and now they had Pinas. Pinas was also found a lot of the time with balls below him, playing professional football briefly at St James’ Park in the late 90’s, but now for RVV Hercules in the fourth tier of Dutch Football. Hopefully playing near Amsterdam will really help him grow as a player.
In centre midfield is by far my favourite in the whole team – it’s Ars Bandeet. Rumour has it he was a strong force for Algeria in the 70’s, with the opposition scared to turn around in case Ars was lurking. I’m literally laughing as I write this.
Also in centre midfield is Andre Muff. Muff played for the Swiss national side on only four occasions, but was penalised a lot during the early Noughties for too much diving. It is believed that this is where the phrase ‘Muff Diving’ comes into play. I’m joking of course, but that would be funny.
Starting the strike force is David Goodwillie. Despite recent cases in 2008 and 2009 clearing him of any wrong-doing, Goodwillie has been known for his violence during the dark hours. On one occasion he actual left a bouncer unconscious in Scotland, leading to a house arrest for fear of more hostility. But with a name like that, I’d definitely feel like I’d have a point to prove.
Last up on the starting 11 is fellow striker Johnny Moustache. On first hearing, the name sounds like a super hero or porn star – but Johnny Moustache is his real name. Unfortunately though the Seychelles striker doesn’t actually have a tash. Moustache by name, clean-shaven by nature.
So that concludes our round up of ridiculous names, but just in case you’re wet at the Rod Fanni for more – here’s who we’d have on the bench:
Carlos Costly – Honduran Striker
Argelico Fucks – Argentine Defender
Waldo Ponce – Chilean Defender
By Ashton Schorah
Twitter @AshtonSchorah
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