You have to feel a little sorry for Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke.
No, seriously, you do.
From the day he burst on to the scene, he was always ‘The Man Who Would Be King’.
Even when he had a spell at Hampshire he was spoken of as a future Australian captain, and it seemed that his life path was inked in.
Unfortunately for Clarke, when he was handed the keys to the kingdom in 2011 he found that instead of vast riches there was nothing in the national reserve bank, apart from a few Aussie dollars in diverse coinage, some IOUs and a dead duck-billed platypus.
The Golden Boy rather cruelly known as ‘Pup’ (for his manic addiction to constantly showering – akin to a puppy licking itself clean) discovered that his inheritance was worthless.
English cricket fans are doubtless indulging in a welcome spot of Schadenfreude, a fantastic German word that means to take delight in somebody else’s misery, and why not?
For so long we have had to suffer at the hands of Aussie smugness as they turned us over. And even though England comprehensively won the last Ashes series Down Under, there is always a nagging fear the Aussies will wedge the Baggy Green cap on their heads, grit their teeth, jut out their jaw and tough it out as only they can.
Or could their capitulation on Sunday in India hint of a malaise in Aussie Test cricket that could last a generation?
Like the return of Halley’s Comet and the breeding patterns of whales, these things are cyclical but Australia’s current bad patch hints the cupboard is as bare as Old Mother Hubbard’s larder.
Previous Aussie skippers from Alan Border, through Mark Taylor, Steve Waugh, Adam Gilchrist and Rickie Ponting have in times of crisis been able to chuck the ball to Shane Warne and say; “Get us a wicket or two,” and the Lovable Larrikin would oblige.
Clarke is only able to hand the ball gingerly to Xavier Doherty as his front-line spinner and hope he gets hit for fours instead of sixes.
The Aussies put the fear of god into world cricket with the ability and cutting edge of their bowling attack.
Glenn McGrath’s great strength was that he was able to keep going better than a Tag Heuer watch.
Wind him up at the start of a Northern Hemisphere Ashes series in April, and Pigeon would still be running in strongly and nagging away stump-high and just outside off-stump in September.
While the Aussies potentially have a pace attack made up of speedsters such as Peter Siddle, Mitchell Starc, James Pattinson, Mitchell Johnson and Patrick Cummins, they’re about as reliable as a 15-year-old Alfa Romeo Giulietta.
The engine still has a throaty road and they can pull away quickly from the traffic lights, but the sub-frame is shot to pieces, bits fall off and if you try and drive them more than 25 miles they give up the ghost and sit on the side of the road like a pouting, spoiled brat.
In the same way, the batting line-up has just never clicked. Ed Cowan, David Warner and Phil Hughes really cannot be mentioned in the same breath as Punter Ponting, and Michael Hussey.
Clarke’s own form has only highlighted the paucity of those around him. Last November he became the first batsman to make four double centuries in a calendar year but his attempts to lead from the front have only made him look like Custer turning up at the Little Big Horn on his own and having to explain to the Sioux nation why he’d like to call the fixture off.
In putting together an Indian record second wicket partnership of 370 Cheteshwar Pujara and Murali Vijay thumped the Aussie attack to all parts, and it was all unravelling at the seams in front of Clarke’s eyes as the once much-feared Australian bowling was reduced to a rag-bag.
Monday saw the Aussies launched something of a fight-back by nipping the last five Indian batsmen out for 14, but Clarke still needs snookers if his team are to salvage anything from this game, this series, or indeed the upcoming Ashes series against an England team whose good form and confidence will only be helped by warming up with two series against the current runts of Test cricket, New Zealand.
So where has it all gone wrong for Australia and Clarke? As stated above, these things tend to be cyclical, but there are those who dare to whisper that the cricket team’s shortcomings are symptomatic of a national sporting malaise.
Let’s not forget, a country that prided itself on its sporting prowess had a pretty dismal Olympic Games in London, a haul of seven gold medals putting them behind such powers as Hungary and on a par with Kazakhstan while with only one gold more, they could hardly pour their usual scorn on the mob from across the Tasman Sea.
So while we lick our lips at the prospect of dishing out more stick to the staff in Walkabout and poking our tongues out at the Ugg Boot store, let’s be careful what we wish for.
Cricket needs a strong Australia, because a competitive Ashes series is good for the world game. It is the flagship series of cricket and nobody wants to see a one-sided walkover that will have Aussies watering down their Toohey’s Draught with their tears, do they?
Actually, we probably do.
By John May
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