FSOM: Why I would be Maria Sharapova’s dream coach

Fifty Shades has filled out his CV and as soon as the advert is posted, he’s ready to whip in an application.

If it’s not the best job in the world, it’s got to be pretty close.

Maria Sharapova has parted company with her coach Thomas Hogstedt, which means she’ll soon be looking for a new one.

Of course, there are any number of great former players out there who would be a superb mentor for Sharapova who had a real clunker of a Wimbledon, where she tumbled out in the second round to Michelle Larter de Brito.

Hogstedt is credited, along with her former hitting partner/coach Michael Joyce, of hauling Shazza back to the top after her shoulder injury-enforced absence from the game.

When they took control, she was ranked 18th but they got her back up to number one, and she completed her tally of Grand Slams.

Shazza is the richest sportswoman on earth, and she hasn’t got to that point without knowing the value of a rouble, so she can rest assured that Fifty Shades will come in at a very competitive rate.

While he is not one of those poor unfortunates you see in documentaries about The Great Depression holding up a piece of cardboard with “Will Work For Food” scrawled on it in carpenter’s pencil, Fifty Shades will not cost the £800,000 a year Andy Murray’s blood-sucking leeches – er, sorry, close-knit team, trousers between them.

At the last count, Murray’s team consisted of an entourage not much smaller than Genghis Khan’s Mongol Hordes, and he’ll need to keep winning tournaments just to maintain them.

First, there’s coach Ivan Lendl, who Murray first hired in 2012. The former Grand Slam winner gave up tennis largely with the intention of having a crack at pursuing a career in golf.

His success at coaching Murray seems to be based on his absence on the golf course.

Lendl always appears such a dismal Jimmy, and casts such a gloom-laden presence around the camp that it’s such a relief when he nips off for a quick nine holes on the local muni, Murray brightens up.

Shazza would have no fears of that happening with Fifty Shades as her coach. As previously documented, Fifty Shades and golf courses don’t mix, on account of his tendency to convert golf clubs into lethal ballistic weapons.

Sports psychologist Alexis Castorri has supposedly injected a ray of sunshine into Murray, not that you would notice as he still has a face as long as a wet weekend in Dawlish and looks like somebody permanently in receipt of bad news.

Injecting a ray of sunshine into Shazza (stop making your own smutty punchlines up!) is certainly something within Fifty Shades’ skillbase. He has a whole catalogue of abdomen-aching one-liners to keep her in stitches.

Murray’s practice partner is Daniel Vallverdu, who he met at the Sanchez-Casal Tennis Academy in Barcelona when both were in their teens (so much for Murray’s Wimbledon title being ‘Made in Britain’).

Vallverdu also acts as a scout, checking out potential opponents.

Again, this is where Fifty Shades could save Shazza a shedload of Roubles. He could quickly learn how to switch on the automatic serving machine, leave it running for Shazza to whack the balls back over the net while nipping off to check out the form of her opponents (will you PLEASE stop making up your own punchlines!)

Murray employs Jez Green and Matt Little as his fitness coaches. They put him through a gruelling regime of sprints to build muscle and power, and combine it with Bikram yoga to make him more supple.

Fifty Shades isn’t big on muscle-bound amazons so Shazza wouldn’t be doing too much power work. Neither does he hold with all this Californian New Age twaddle like yoga.

Let’s be frank here. By any standards, Shazza is a fit bird, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Touching her toes and a few laps around the court should do the trick fitness-wise.

Physiotherapists Andy Ireland and Johan de Beer put Murray through the sort of torture that would make the Spanish Inquisition wince.

As soon as he comes off court, they plunge Murray into an ice bath to aid his body’s recovery, and after 10 minutes in water the sort of temperature that would attract Narwhals and rogue polar bears, they pummel his muscles to draw out the lactic acid.

Again, Shazza, have no fears that your prospective new physio (note the singular, you don’t need the cost of maintaing two) will plunge you into ice baths. No woman – not even SuBo – deserves that.

Instead of an ice bath, Shazza will ease back into a warm tub of water infused with essential oils and herbal extracts. Fifty Shades believes Radox do a good range, so he can stock up on them.

As for pummelling her muscles (look, this is the last time I’ll tell you about composing your own smutty punchlines), Fifty Shades has never been an advocate of intense deep tissue massage.

Back in his own sporting days when he was a young gazelle on the left wing, Fifty Shades made do with a brisk rub-down with a damp Daily Mirror.

Of course, that’s a bit too downmarket for Shazza. We can replace the Daily Mirror with Vogue.

A nutritionist carefully controls every calorie Murray consumes and Fifty Shades would be very particular about what Shazza puts in her mouth (oh for goodness sake! Grow up and stop sniggering).

Murray’s starts his day with yoghurt and a peanut-butter covered bagel. As a breakfast, it resembles what the love-child of Miley Cyrus and Elvis Presley would wolf down.

A protein bar makes up Murray’s mid-morning snack, while 90 minutes before going on court, Murray will chow down on a protein heavy plate of chicken and rice.

That’s supposed to fuel him up, but Fifty Shades’ experience is that you should never go swimming, or indulge in any vigorous physical activity on a full-stomach.

Nobody wants to see the world’s most glamorous tennis player chuck her chunks up court-side, so the Fifty Shades Food For Fitness plan would ditch the pre-match chicken and rice.

Instead, Shazza would start the day with a Full English, with double eggs, bacon and sausages. No doubt her US-Russian heritage would not have introduced a real English delicacy into her diet, and it’s a well-established scientific fact (Fifty Shades read somewhere) that a woman who gets a bit of black-pudding inside her first thing in the morning (Just stop it now! Will you? Please.) is set up for the day.

After matches, Murray refuels on sushi – rich in minerals and the perfect balance of carbs and protein.

Well, Shazza will be relieved to know that Fifty Shades Food For Fitness Plan is keen to copy Murray, and is big on fish which is perfect to refuel after a long day on court.

Big George’s Chippy and Kebab House does an excellent Cod and Chips, with a side of Mushy Peas and a Wallie, and a drink for £4.50, and they deliver. That might be a bit if problem, though, at the Australian Open.

In between games, Murray can be seen quaffing his bottle of lemon-coloured formula, which again is cooked up by his nutritionist.

Nobody know what’s in it, although it is designed to keep glucose, sodium, potassium and mineral levels topped up to boost energy.

Whatever is in it, this Witch’s Brew clearly tastes like camel pee, and Fifty Shades will certainly not be chasing Murray’s nutritionist for the formula.

Robinson’s Barley Water was good enough for Fred Perry, so it will be good enough for Shazza.

They do a good range these days, with orange and fruits of the forest added to the traditional lemon. Not only that, buy in bulk and it’s a good saving.

How can Shazza turn this down?

There are savings to be had at every turn, and Fifty Shades will cost nowhere near the £800,000 Murray doles out to his minions.

Fifty Shades email and mobile number are on the top of the CV, Maria, so give him a call. We can talk terms.

Sorry? What was that? She’s already got somebody lined up and will be announcing her new coach next week?

Well, that’s her loss, not mine.

Still, the print out of this CV won’t go to waste. Serena Williams didn’t have a very good Wimbledon and looks to Fifty Shades as though her game has dipped.

And she certainly looks like a gal who would relish the delights of Big George’s Chippy and Kebab House.

By John May

Follow @maisy68