Fifty Shades is a tad confused.
That’s hardly surprising coming from somebody whose years in hard-nosed journalism have honed his bloodhound-nosed news sense to ask such probing questions as: “Have I had my tea yet?”, “Are we going out in the car this afternoon?” and “Is that nice young lady with the clipboard and cold hands coming around again later today?”
The reason for Fifty Shades’ bewilderment and befuddlement is the furore over Sebastian Vettel’s victory in the Malaysian Grand Prix.
Now Fifty Shades may be a simple-minded old fool, but he’s always thought that the whole idea of competing in any sporting event is to win it.
So he’s at a bit of a loss to pin down exactly what Vettel did wrong.
The big issue, of course, is that he ignored team orders by overhauling Red Bull team-mate Mark Webber.
And there will be those petrol-heads who dab a bit of unleaded behind their ears to make themselves attractive to trackside tarts, who will be able to offer an explanation of why team orders are necessary.
Fifty Shades’ understanding of F1’s rules is on a par with his knowledge of Ancient Greek, but apparently team orders are necessary to ensure a team obtains as many points as possible.
Apparently it was a question of soft and hard tyres and bringing both the boys home to ensure maximum points for the Constructors’ title that caused the call to go out for Webber and Vettel to hold their places.
Red Bull, of course, have tried to put the toothpaste back in the tube by insisting that it was never an order, as such, just a suggestion.
It was a suggestion that Vettel chose to ignore. With the man touted to be his chief rival for the Drivers’ Championship, Fernando Alonso, out of the race Vettel – entirely understandably, in Fifty Shades’ eyes – decided that winning the race would put points in the bank for later in the season.
So he overtook Webber, who stood alongside him on the podium, with a face like slapped backside.
F1 aficionados are making all sorts of braying jackass noises about the immorality of Vettel breaking team orders without considering a greater moral question, and this is what makes Fifty Shades uneasy.
It may be a simplistic view, but doesn’t team orders equate to race fixing?
Imagine the outcry if top racehorse trainer Nicky Henderson told one of his jockeys to rein in his horse to let another from the stable romp home to win the race.
How would we have felt last summer if the Jamaican team had told Usain Bolt to ease back in the Olympic 200m to let Yohan Blake win to share the medals around a bit?
But that’s what team orders appear to be. It’s a cosy connivance designed to remove from motor racing’s flagship the competitive element that is the lifeblood of any sport.
It’s bad enough that one team – Red Bull – currently dominate the sport but it somehow doesn’t sit well when that team starts dictating which of its drivers should win.
If Red Bull have their way, F1 will be like modern school sports days, where nobody loses, and everybody gets a certificate at the end of the day.
So Fifty Shades may be wrong, but good on Sebastian Vettel. The principal idea of any sport is to try and win, otherwise there’s no point in taking part.
Of course, he took all sorts of stick, but most of that was from the Basil Fawlty’s of the British media who probably lay personal blame for starting the war on Vettel’s father and grandfather.
His ignoring of team orders has led critics to brand him as arrogant and ruthless. Just the qualities needed, in fact, to win the Drivers’ Championship, while former F1 driver John Watson went so far as to call for Vettel to be banned for one race.
It doesn’t say much for a sport when there are calls for a competitor to be banned for trying to win a race and possibly only in F1 would Vettel be slated for trying to be the best.
There is also the consideration of those who bankroll a sport which is a licence to print money.
The world’s TV companies shell out huge amount of wonga to F1 and the least they can expect is a race. If they want a meaningless procession they could probably get the TV rights to the Hastings Carnival for a lot less.
And there’s also the crowd to consider. They would like to see a proper race as well, although most F1 fans I know are there for the noise and smells, in which case they could be blindfolded and taken to the petrol station at Fleet Services and they would be in hog heaven.
Even if there is no competitive race to speak of, you can always rely on Lewis Hamilton to provide giggles.
It’s difficult to tell who would have been more embarrassed at the Mercedes driver stopping at his former McLaren team’s pit lane.
It’s the motorised version of Wayne Rooney suddenly turning up with his boots at Goodison Park and asking for a game.
As for Vettel, when he’s celebrating his fourth successive Drivers’ Championship title at the end of the season, who will really remember that he was such a naughty boy in disregarding team orders? There won’t be too many complaints from the Red Bull camp, apart from a certain grim-faced Aussie.
By John May
