A selection of felt-tip pens and colourful magic markers plus a newspaper or two will keep him occupied for ages, drawing moustaches and beards, goofy teeth, funny hats and oversized sexual organs on those pictured in the paper.
Give him a couple of strong elastic bands and you won’t hear a peep from him for hours as he experiments on how to improve his looks by looping one over each ear and then looping the other end over his nose or his chin.
But there’s no easier source of amusement than giggling like a gaggle of teenage girls confronted by a beefy builder’s bum crack, at people’s names.
Some of our own, much-loved sportsmen have provided the sort of larfs to have Finbarr Saunders and his Double Entendres from Viz hooting and hee-hawing.
From the world of football, Dean Windass, David Seaman, Danny Shittu and David Goodwillie have all provided mirth for the witless and embarrassment for the commentator.
If you think we do well with our own domestic names, we have a long way to go to catch up to those funny foreigners.
The first source of amusement is Homophonic, where the rib-tickling printed version of the name becomes harmless when it is spoken and pronounced properly.
Thus, German footballer Ralf Minge, will be pronounced Ralf Ming-uh and Polish basketball player Gregory Fucka is quite harmless when you say his name as it should be – Fooch-ka.
Having said that, in the Euro 96 semi-final against Germany, Barry Davies summed up a nation’s feelings towards the opposition when he simply and correctly identified the scorer of Germany’s equaliser, Stefan Kuntz, pronounced, of course, Koontz.
But while former Portugal goalkeeper Joaquim Manuel Sampaio da Silva – known as Quim, but pronounced Keem, of course – show our European cousins are well-blessed when it comes to knockabout names, the cream of the crop comes from across the pond.
We may snigger at Belgian racing driver Bertrand Baguette, and wonder if he is the best thing since sliced bread but when it comes to names that make you roar out loud and gives commentators nightmares, our old mates the Septics take the cookie.
Take, for example, those sportsman whose names suggest they have alternative careers in adult entertainment.
Your own personal pornstar name is formed by adding the name of your first pet to your mum’s maiden name, thus FSOM’s is Bluey Blake (Bluey being a budgie) who sounds as though he might star in a dubious movie concerning a lonely outback housewife with plenty of time on her hands who suddenly finds Walt from Woolloomoollo on her doorstep with his oversized didgeridoo in his hand.
Baseball provides a rich seam to mine when it comes to sportsmen who might otherwise be appearing in videos on the sort of website which normally feature several Xs in its name.
Thus, Pete La Cock is a former Kansas City Royals baseball player, while Dick Pole, Dick Shiner, along with Jack Glasscock and Johnny Dickshott are also former demons of the diamond.
BJ Lovett is wide receiver for the Michigan State college football team while former French rugby player Jean Condom sounds what performers in adult entertainment should be wearing, or they risk contracting a condition similar in name to Canadian gymnast Karen Cockburn or former NASCAR driver, Dick Trickle.
Destinee Hooker should not be confused as the female lead in one of the above productions as she is, in fact a US Olympic volleyball player, and DeWanna Bonner is a forward for Phoenix Mercury in the WNBA.
Luscious Seymour is an innocent enough name to go by now, but that only came about after the Eastern Illinois college Linebacker changed his name by deed poll to get away from his original name.
Who can say what was going through the minds of his parents – Mr and Mrs Pusey – when they gave him that forename?
It’s easy to titter like Frankie Howerd at the Tittering World Championships at those whose names suggest bodily functions, thus Kaka will be paired with Japanese volleyball player Yoshie Takeshita.
But let’s remember these would not be possible without NFL player Harry Colon and baseball pitcher Bartolo Colon.
Some parents really should not be bringing children into the world if they are going to give them dumb names.
We all went to school with a kid whose name caused him to fear playtime and the inevitable Chinese Burns, wedgies, Dutch Rubs and Noogies that came with it.
But some people need to be under close supervision when it’s their turn for control of the brain cell on the day they name their offspring.
The surname Mothershead is a weighty enough cross to bear without being given the forename Kokain, and then try to make your way in US college football 19 years down the line.
Similarly, Mr and Mrs Butkus could have made things easier on their son be naming him Richard, forcing others to do the work.
But no. They just had to call him Dick, didn’t they?
And what on earth were the parents of Indianapolis Colts linebacker Thorp doing when they blessed their son with the name Craphonso. Where on earth does that come from?
And surely, Mr and Mrs Rabbit couldn’t name their son Wacey without expecting Elmer Fudd to turn up on their doorstep at some stage, shotgun in hand? Even though he is a tough player for the Boston Bruins in the NHL.
Laughing at sports people’s silly names for amusement isn’t a testing way of diverting yourself. It’s not even as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.
It’s shooting fish in a barrel having emptied it of water several hours previously so the only sign of fishy life is the occasional flap of a dorsal fin.
Anyway, FSOM can’t stop chatting to you too long.
He’s been invited to dinner as a guest of the Jarse family.
It’s a personal invitation from the head of the household, Hugh.
And he says there will be crayons, newspapers and plenty of elastic bands on hand.
By John May
This photograph was provided by bbcworldservice.
