Football has a long and rather embarrassing history of bizarre injuries, from slipping in a puddle of urine to being massacred by your daughter’s tricycle.
All of these injuries are perfectly logical, and the players involved should be by no means caged in a padded cell until the day they die.
Starting the countdown is Spanish goalkeeper Santiago Canizares, well known for his stint at Valencia. After finding out that he’d made the starting line-up for his national side, a night out seemed in order. Hair bleached, teeth brushed, and finally a splash of Brut to seal the deal. Disaster! Canizares drops the bottle, smashing on his foot and severing a tendon near his big toe. The Spaniard missed the entire 2002 World Cup, but I bet he smelt fantastic.
Number nine is Pompey legend Liam Lawrence. After needing a wee in the middle of the night, he wandered bleary eyed to the toilet. We’re not sure what he was dreaming about, a swimming pool filled with ice cream, Pat Butcher covered in goose fat, or was it Donnie Osmond? Either way he forgot he had a dog and tripped over it – putting him on the sidelines for two weeks.
The next on the list is Barnsley’s Darren Barnard, who unforgettably scored that wonder goal against Huddersfield. But what you may not remember, and what Darren will definitely want to forget – is slipping over his puppies wee on the kitchen floor, resulting in torn knee ligaments and five months out of football. And a puppy in the back garden. Buried.
Hitting seven is Alan Wright. Anyone who’s seen the Fleetwood left-back will know he’s not the tallest, stretching a whopping 5ft 4in – the same height as a waste paper bin. But even the ex-Blackburn and Aston Villa superstar couldn’t have expected such dire events when buying a new Ferrari, straining his knee whilst reaching for the accelerator pedal. Cue a long side-lined injury and a trip to Car Craft for a Morris Minor.
Darius Vassell, famous for being Sven Goran-Erikson’s super sub when the Swede took charge of England, scored six times during his international career – which is why he’s the best man to hog the number six spot. While scoring goals-a-plenty might be his forte, DIY isn’t. When finding a blister under his toe nail, what better way than to drain it out than by drilling through the nail with a Black and Decker? Wrong! Although the drill may have got rid of the blister, it brought with it a month’s worth of infection and partial amputation.
Mid-point on the list is Norwegian goal keeper Michael ‘Iron Man’ Stensgaard (keep reading to find out why I called him ‘Iron Man’), who was forced to retire after suffering an acute shoulder injury when folding down an ironing board (see?). I’m actually tempted to take this one out, simply because he was forced to retire and it sounds quite sad. If you’re reading this however, then it survived – probably because I couldn’t be bothered.
Scotland defender Kirk Broadfoot is number four, and boasts an injury almost as funny as his name. While making a romantic meal for his significant other of poached eggs (I know, what a dream) he thought he’d check the apparent aphrodisiac for closer inspection, but they exploded in his face! Broadfoot was rushed to hospital with severe burns on his face, and was forced to miss a week’s football.
David Batty is another man with a stupid injury and a stupid name. The ex-Leeds hard man is known for his crunching tackles and fearless attitude, but a little known fact is that his young daughter is a rubbish tricycle driver. While Batty was at home recovering from a torn Achilles, his nutcase of an offspring ran over his semi-healed ankle, re-tearing the ligaments! That’ll make him think twice the next time he denies her some ice cream.
Number two on the countdown is Paulo Diogo. There are many ways to hint to your wife that you want a divorce, wafting separation papers under her nose is a prime example. But some would argue that the Servette midfielder took it too far when he ripped his wedding ring off during a game – along with his finger. After setting up a goal in the 87th minute, Diogo jumped onto the fence separating the crowd from the pitch and got his finger caught, ripping half of his ring finger off. While stewards frantically searched for the other half of his finger, the referee added insult to injury by giving Diogo a yellow card for breaking up play. The finger remained unfound, making a wonderful souvenir for one lucky fan.
I know for all you football nerds there are plenty of other injuries I could’ve chosen from for the list, from Rio’s remote to Maradona’s dog – all of which are worthy, but I could only pick ten. Finally though, it’s time for our number one. It may not be the craziest injury, but it’s definitely goes to the craziest person – Mario Ballotelli. When he was playing against Dynamo Kiev in the Europa League, he was eventually forced to be substituted due to an allergic reaction – to the grass. Yes, the grass. A professional footballer, who’s being paid over £125,000 a week, is allergic to grass. His face swelled up, and was forced to have a shot of adrenaline to deal with the problem. Not only is he a pain in the ass, but also a pain in the grass.
