You’ve read what will happen in the first six months of 2013, now get ready for more twists and turns as the new Premier League season gets underway…
July
Manchester United make their one big summer signing with the capture of Daniele De Rossi from Roma.
“Ah no fair, I wanted him,” says Mancini, who has to make do with Lee Cattermole from Sunderland. “He’s really good,” says the Italian upon the midfielder’s arrival at City, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing.
Newcastle move to replace Pardew, and who else but a certain Harry Redknapp. “It’s an honour to be here at such a big club, and I truly believe we can get out of this mess,” ‘Arry beams, hanging out of his car window.
“I won’t lie, I don’t really care. Now was it a medium or large milkshake?” says a frustrated drive-thru employee.
Newly promoted Cardiff sign John Arne Riise from Fulham. Two days later he is released after beating Craig Bellamy with a snooker cue.
August
The new season kicks-off with a shock result at Old Trafford, United losing 4-1 to Championship winners Crystal Palace. Sir Alex Ferguson is livid at his side upon the final whistle and kicks a stray pair of Beats by Dre headphones in the dressing room. Ironically, they fly straight into the face of one of the faces of the product, van Persie, and the Dutchman needs ten stiches above his eye. The relationship is frosty, and RVP requests a transfer that rocks Manchester. A week later he’s a City player.
Newcastle sign 15 players on deadline day, including Paul Merson and Eyal Berkovic. “Experience is crucial,” Redknapp says, after also clinching deals for Phil Neville and Channel 4 broadcaster Jon Snow.
September
RVP starts life at the Etihad with 10 goals in his first six appearances. Fergie is snapped outside the striker’s house, holding a boombox and singing ‘Back for Good‘ by Take That. He’s soon escorted off the neighbourhood by security.
Sunderland, Everton and Norwich are all still unbeaten, while United are yet to record a single victory.
Chelsea are beaten 3-0 at home by Wigan, in a game that sees Torres miss five penalties. What happened to the man who scored with his face last season, the media ask?
Newcastle win their first game under Redknapp. “We were nothing when I took over,” the ex-Portsmouth boss says. “Now, we have a great chance of European football.” A Jon Snow hat-trick against Sunderland takes them to 16th in the table.
October
Spurs’ Gareth Bale is sent off for diving, sparking a new debate on the subject. “It’s a joke,” says the Welshman after seeing the footage back. “There was barely any splash and still, no credit.”
Following another defeat, Chelsea manager Rafa Benitez is sacked by owner Roman Abramovich, even though he was only permanently appointed three months ago. The Blues re-hire Claudio Ranieri, and his first act is to bring back Hernan Crespo on a free transfer. “He still knows where the goal is,” the Italian smiles.
Crespo has an awful debut against West Brom, before a sliced effort at goal hits Torres in the unmentionables and dribbles in.
He’s back.
November
City are 10 points clear at the top of the table, with Norwich, Everton and Liverpool in the Champions League places. Arsenal are making up for a slow start with a run of good form, Guardiola’s men in fifth. United, Cardiff and Nottingham Forest make up the bottom three, with Chelsea and Newcastle just above them. Fergie reveals this will be his last season, after a much improved display sees his men thrash Swansea 6-0. Upon the sixth goal, the Scot runs down the touchline before unzipping his coat to reveal a t-shirt with the message, ‘I’m sorry Robin, come home.’
The two are pictured in a restaurant in Manchester, crying aggresively before a long, meaningful hug. Van Persie admits he misses it on the Red side, and refuses to start for Mancini’s men. City lose every game and drop to fourth. United climb to eleventh.
Jon Snow is the Premier League’s top goalscorer with 13.
December
Liverpool sit top of the table come Christmas, with Downing continuing his incredible form from last season. City and United are tied on points in sixth and seventh, van Persie still refusing to play for the Blues. Newcastle drop into the bottom three ater a midweek defeat to Fulham.
“We missed Jon Snow badly,” Redknapp reveals. “But he reads the news at 7, and we knew that when we signed him.”
Arsenal jump to second, with Guardiola beginning to work his magic. Arsene Wenger and Pat Rice reunite to present a TV show on Channel 5, where the pair whip up their favourite desserts. Arsene’s Rice Puddings is cancelled after three episodes.
Languishing in 15th place on New Year’s Eve, Chelsea sack Claudio Ranieri.
