2013; another year, another 12 months of Premier League football.
But what lies in store for those lucky enough to ply their trade in England’s top-flight?
Well here at Tibs News, we dusted off our crystal ball and can give you an exclusive in-sight to what we can expect to see in the near future…
January
“We’re down to the bare bones,” moans Harry Redknapp after his Q.P.R side are battered 6-0 by Tottenham in a game that sees his side pick up three injuries and three red cards. “I still believe we can get out of this,” ‘Arry continues to claim, despite the fact he has Shaun Derry in his starting line-up.
With the transfer window well and truly open, Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini reveals he will not be doing any business.
Two days later, City sign Wesley Sneijder from Inter Milan for £25million. “YOLO,” states Mancini.
Whilst new Chelsea and Liverpool recruits Demba Ba and Daniel Sturridge are enjoying life at their respective clubs, Fernando Torres misses four open goals against Arsenal.
What happened to the old Torres, the one at Liverpool and the one who scored that amazingly easy goal against Barcelona, the media ask?
Q.P.R complete 20 signings on deadline day. “We’re still as bare as Mother Hubbard’s pantry,” says Redknapp, after hiring four seven-seater taxis to get all his players to the ground in-time to seal their deals.
February
Manchester United move nine points clear at the top of the table, prompting Robin van Persie to put a video on YouTube of him lip-syncing DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win whilst he barbecues an Arsenal shirt. The video is not well received at the Emirates, especially after Theo Walcott rapped Rick Ross’ bit. One of Q.P.R’s new signings Rory Delap breaks his wrist in training and is immediately released by Redknapp. “I only signed him for his throwing,” reveals an honest ‘Arry.
Reading lose every game in the month and manager Brian McDermott is harshly sacked. He’s replaced by a 17 year-old who lead Dartford to the Champions League in 10 seasons on Football Manager.
Bradford win the Capital One Cup with a 4-0 win over Swansea in the final.
Torres finally scores a much needed goal after a horrible effort from John Obi Mikel hits him square in the face and goes in.
He’s back.
March
Manchester City close the gap on United with a Mario Balotelli inspired win over Everton. The Italian reveals his return to form is down to training with a man who looks and acts exactly like Mickey from Rocky. ‘He’s a WRECKING MACHINE,’ says the mystery gentleman in question.
Theo Walcott is still yet to put pen to paper on a new deal at Arsenal, but the delay is finally revealed, as it turns out Walcott never actually learned how to write. He’s told if he wants to play football again he has to pass Year One and in the process he will take on his Dad’s company, much like the plot to Billy Madison. Walcott passes, falls in love with his teacher and avoids the advances of his creepy headteacher, all with hilarious consequences.
Q.P.R lose every game bar a 1-0 win over Sunderland. ‘We were bottom when I took over,” says Redknapp. “And now we’re 19th.”
April
Liverpool move into fourth after four goals from the man with the wicked left foot, Stewart Downing, inspires the Reds to a 5-0 win over Reading. Downing now has 16 goals in his last six matches, whereas Jordan Henderson takes his season’s tally to 20 after a barnstorming start to 2013.
Dimitar Berbatov breaks a record for the least amount of distance travelled in a single match, moving just 4 yards against Arsenal. He still hits a match-winning hat-trick.
West Ham field a team entirely of strikers, with Andy Carroll sensational at left-back.
Reading and Aston Villa are relegated, Villa’s demotion confirmed after a 27-0 loss to Stoke where manager Paul Lambert decided to play a team of 12 year-olds.
QPR end the month eight points adrift of safety with three games remaining. “We were bottom when I took over,” states Redknapp.
“And now we’re 18th.”
May
Q.P.R’s winter window purchases David Bentley, Florent Malouda, Sebastian Squillaci, Mario Melchiot, Eidur Gudjohnsen, Elmo, Kermit the Frog and Rolf Harris are all arrested after a drunken bender ends with a mass brawl in a strip club. Redknapp is enraged by the attitude of his players, stating that “Elmo and the Frog need to take their heads out of their asses,” before assistant Joe Jordan points out it’s actually a hand up there. The R’s relegation is confirmed after they fail to win any of their matches. “We were down when I took over,” says Redknapp, before resigning and moving to Monaco.
Manchester United win the title on the final day of the season, van Persie’s 96th minute winner against West Brom giving them the trophy on goal difference. The following noise made by Gary Neville goes on to win ‘Best Ever Orgasm’ ahead of Meg Ryan’s effort in ‘When Harry Met Sally‘.
Liverpool wrap up third place, with Downing winning every single Player of the Year award known to man. Jonjo Shelvey spends his top four bonus on a wig.
Chelsea have to settle for Europa League football after finishing fifth, with Spurs in fourth. Arsenal make do with sixth and lose the F.A Cup final to Bournemouth. Arsene Wenger clashes with assistant Steve Bould after the defeat, getting his assistant in a headlock and playing his head like a bongo. He resigns shortly afterwards.
June
Newcastle’s disastrous season, which saw them finish 17th,costs Alan Pardew his job but earns him £88million in compensation after his eight year-contract ends less than 12 months in. The Magpies plummet into administration and are forced to sell their best players. “I forgot about that,” slurs a drunk Mike Ashley.
Arsenal hire Pep Guardiola as their new manager and say they will spend to finally put some silverware in their dusty cabinet. The Gunners raid the Toon for Yoann Cabaye, Hatem Ben Afra and Fabricio Coloccini, whilst also swooping for David Villa from Barcelona and Yann M’Vila from Rennes.
When asked why he sold Yaya Toure to Real Madrid in exchange for £10million and Sami Khedira, City chief Mancini states simply, ‘I live by YOLO now’, before it’s actually revealed he said ‘I live by KOLO now’ and the older Toure told him Yaya was stealing office supplies.
Balotelli retires from football to become a boxer.
Read what happens in the second half of the year right here…
By James Shipp
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