Do you believe in voodoo?
Nope, neither do I. Well, not anymore.
For those wondering why I am now a firm non-believer, it just straight-up doesn’t work.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried it, but in terms of effecting the bodily state of virtual characters based on real-life sportsmen, it wasn’t having any of it.
To be fair, perhaps you have to actually get a properly constructed voodoo-doll, from your local witch (where’s Sabrina when you need her?) or black-magic dealership.
Because my effort, a wooden spoon with Dave McGoldrick’s face and legs stuck on to it, certainly didn’t look like any of the ones I saw on the internet.
And it certainly didn’t work either. Because he’s still injured and as a knock-on of that, my Ipswich side are limp, lifeless and losing.
Following last week’s disappointment in the table-topping clash with Nottingham Forest, we could have returned to the top of the league with victory against Blackburn.
It didn’t start well, 1-0 down within the first quarter of an hour. But soon afterwards Dave won a penalty and strolled up to convert it himself, making it 1-1. He won another one five minutes later, but this time he hit it straight at the keeper.
My main man was obviously down at half-time, so a quick ‘I have faith’ in you and a kiss on his glorious, shiny head had him smiling again. He responded with a scrappy second and the woes of Forest were set to be quickly forgotten.
That was until a minute later, when Luke Varney equalised for Rovers and as hard as we tried we couldn’t force a winner. Then it happened. Dave went over on his ankle and immediately called for the bench.
The shiny head of Conor Sammon was nowhere near as glorious as Dave’s but I made the switch and hoped for the best.
It wasn’t good news. One month on the sidelines.
ONE MONTH? What would I do?
I mean, Sammon’s all well and good but let’s face it, he’s a bit of a joke. I only play him because seeing the sun reflect off his scalp amuses me.
To be fair, following our 2-2 draw the next game saw us back to winning ways and breaking our away-day hoodoo.
Trailing 1-0 at Cardiff, Daryl Murphy stabbed an equaliser before a last-gasp Jay Tabb free-kick won it. Wonderful.
Time to build on that win against Huddersfield at Portman Road. Murphy bagged another one and I was beginning to think McGoldrick’s injury wouldn’t be so bad. However, the visitors equalised and then took the lead with a minute left. Brilliant.
But wait, this Tabb fella is on fire. Deep into stoppage time, the wee man popped up to bundle home and secure a vital point.
With Dave still weeks away, striking options became depleted further when Atdhe Nuhiu pulled up in training. Three weeks out, fantastic.
With just Murphy and Sammon to choose from, Dave’s absence was beginning to take its toll. And so it proved with a frustrating 0-0 draw away to struggling Blackpool. Chances galore but no cutting edge.
If I was harsh to poor C-Sam, karma slapped me firmly in the face when he too got injured. WHY, FM GODS? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?
Desperate times call for desperate measures so in came Balint Bajnar from the Under 21’s. Go make yourself a hero, son!
Terrible name, terrible player. Another 1-1 stalemate, this time at home against Wolves in a game where we had about 22 shots and probably three of them were on target.
I had to do some wheeling and dealing. The transfer/loan list was as bare as old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard though. Trusting my instincts, I took a punt on Bournemouth’s Brett Pitman and he repaid me with a 5.8 rating on his debut. Useless.
Watford came to town, had one shot on target (which was a penalty I may add) and won 1-0. Oh for the days where goals flowed like Darren Ambrose’s pre-match raps in the dressing room.
Down to 7th in the league and many a point away from the top two, an intense battle for a play-off place is looking likely.
Still, Dave’s back soon though. That’s all I keep telling myself.
If he isn’t, I may be eating my words and giving this voodoo lark another try.
Anyone got the number for a reliable witch?
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